5 Ways to Appear More Athletic
In a society where so much emphasis is put on obtaining the perfect beach body, those without the time, motivation, or genetics to get one can feel. . . left behind. If you’re in this camp, fear not! It’s October now, and it’s your time to shine! Now that all the bikinis and cute, tiny swim trunks have been packed away for the season, read on for some terrible advice about how to look like you’re on the path to looking and feeling your best. I think you’ll probably achieve maximum results with minimal effort.
The Case of Bonnie the Poser Gym Rat
Last time we checked in with Bonnie, she was seriously considering tackling a double black diamond ski run in order to impress her super-handsome boyfriend Jeff. The Bunny Hill was closed due to (an utterly unrealistic) lack of snow. The fact that she’d never been on skis before proved to be an ineffective deterrent and, afraid to disappoint, she stuck her chin in the air and decided to give it a try.
Don’t worry, it didn’t happen. . .
As Bonnie propelled herself awkwardly toward the lift with her ski poles, Jeff noticed just how winded she was becoming.
“You alright there, Bon-Bon?” he asked. “You’re kinda out of breath and we just started.”
“O-oh!” she stuttered. “Yeah, it’s just the—elevation?”
“Okay—“ Jeff scratched his head ineffectually with a thickly gloved hand over a stocking cap. It turns out Jeff is quite handsome, but incredibly stupid. He was content to let this train wreck continue until. . .
Bonnie was in front of the chair lift now. The chair circled around the carousel and, misjudging its speed, she sat down too soon. The chair knocked into her, square in the back, and sent her face-first into the snow. The lift attendant looked at Jeff and shook his head. Though he didn’t speak, the message was clear. Nope, sorry dude. No way.
“Oh Bonnie,” Jeff said as he helped her up again. “This was too soon. We’ll come back when the Bunny Hill is open and you’ve spent a little time at the gym. We need to work on your fitness and, um—coordination.”
Bonnie frowned and looked down at her super-cute ski suit, now dusted with slightly dirty snow. “Are you very disappointed?”
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Revenge is better with a side of bacon. . .
“No Bon-Bon. You’ll do better next time. . . “
The following weekend, while sipping a bottle of alcoholic seltzer water, Bonnie lamented to party-girl friend Lisa. “What am I going to do? He wants me to be more athletic! Lisa, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know where to start!”
Lisa nodded sympathetically. “I don’t know if you can do it either, Bonnie.” Suddenly, her eyes lit up. “What if—you didn’t have to?”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe you could just—look the part! I’ve got a plan. . . “
1. Buy All The Gear
The quickest way to look more athletic is to dress like an athlete. Want to feel like a cyclist? Stop reading right now and go online. Buy some super-tight padded bike shorts, and one of those shirts with all the pockets in the back. Wear it next time you drive to the grocery store, and make sure you pack a helmet along with your reusable bags. Alongside your outfit, as long as you carry your helmet around while rifling through avocados at Trader Joe’s, people will assume you’re a cyclist. Very sexy!
Having the proper gear is the fastest way to credibly establish yourself as an athlete. What’s that? No bike? No one needs to know that except you.
2. Pay For An Expensive Gym Membership
Gyms everywhere bank on selling memberships you can’t cancel and will never use. Please keep them in business by giving them your hard-earned money! Plus, even though you’ll never go, the realization that you could go at any time will make you feel more athletic. Put a miniature membership card on your keychain so people can see, and be sure to jingle your keys on your finger every time you get ready to leave a room. People will be attracted to the sound and see your shiny gym pass glinting in the light.
3. Buy An Expensive Fitness Tracker
Wearing a device on your wrist that records your physical activity shows other people that you are serious about health and fitness. There are multiple options out there to fit every impression you might like to give.
- A FitBit says: I’m down to earth and approachable, and I care about doing little things every day to be healthier. My lovely friend AS Akkalon has some thoughts on this.
- An Apple Watch says: I’m trendy, connected, and easily swayed by inspirational advertising. Also, counting steps is for chumps. Watch me fill my activity rings!
- A Garmin sports watch says: I’m a triathlete. I turn my nose to your lesser toys, and no, I can’t hang out because I have an open water swim in the morning.
Regardless of which device you choose (and there are others) if you really want to feel more athletic, you’re going to need to get one and display it proudly. I recommend checking the time often while in the company of others. Work on perfecting your wrist flick for maximum exposure.
4. Curate Your Social Media
Want to look like you just did a really hard run without even leaving the house? Try this! Take a shower, don’t dry off completely, and then put on your running clothes. The water still on your skin from the shower will soak through your outfit and look like sweat. Snap a couple of selfies and get to posting!
With each comment and like that pours in, you’ll feel more and more athletic.
5. Drink Powdered Stuff
Order a blending bottle and the least chemically-tasting protein powder/meal supplement you can find online. Put the powder in the bottle and bring it to work. During your next meeting, excuse yourself, fill the bottle, and return to the meeting just in time to shake the hell out of it.
When people look at you like you’re crazy (and disruptive) just apologize and tell them your workout routine has been super intense and you need to up your protein intake. Who can argue with that? Insta-athlete!
Does This Really Work? Won’t People Catch On?
Oh, most likely people will catch on eventually. I’d say you can probably pull this off for about six weeks before people notice you’ve actually been gaining weight and are even more winded going up stairs. Of course, individual results will vary. If you decide to employ this plan, please do let me know how it works out for you.
Speaking of working out. . .
The actual best way to look and feel more athletic is to be more athletic. Perhaps this isn’t the answer you were looking for, but unfortunately it’s true. The silver lining? You can be more athletic without any of the five points above.
The beautiful thing is, you don’t need fancy outfits, equipment, gym memberships, devices, or supplements to exercise. All you need is time, determination, and maybe a pair of shoes. Go for a walk, or a hike, and push yourself a little farther than you think you can comfortably go. Step out for a run, even if it’s just around the block. Even if you can’t go far to begin with, you’ll gain endurance with practice.
For some of us, a beach body might be impractical or downright unattainable, but that doesn’t need to be the standard to which we hold ourselves. Set a goal, decide what’s reasonable for you, and work at it bit by bit. Whatever your starting point, if you can do this, you’ll look and feel more athletic in no time.
So What About Bonnie?
The poor girl can’t catch a break! She followed Lisa’s (my) advice, and it worked like a charm. About six weeks after she started getting really serious about exercise, Jeff was so delighted with her commitment he registered her for a 5K. He’s going to surprise her with the race bib as a birthday present, so maybe we’ll save that story for another post. . .
Tell me your thoughts! Do you employ any of my strategies for looking more athletic? What do you do to feel better in your own skin? For extra credit, what relationship (or life) advice do you have for our dear, sweet Bonnie? Let me know in the comments below.
Thanks as always for reading,