Farming for Godly Cake Beetles—My SEO Woes

The things people search for on Google are fascinating. After enrolling my site for Google’s Search Console, I’ve gained a little insight into what queries bring up my blog, and most of them aren’t what I’d expect. So, just for fun, I’ve worked every query (so far) into this post. If you’re expecting it to make sense, you’re probably missing the point. . .

S E Oh Dear I’ve Got Some Work To Do

“I’m going to be an instantly successful author,” I said.

“This’ll be easy, I’ll just write my books and everyone will organically find them and love them,” I said.

“I’ll land a big publisher and they’ll market my books to the corners of the world. I won’t even have to lift a finger,” I said.

wrong. Wrong. WRONG!

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining. It just, didn’t work out that way. As I’ve bumbled my way through this self-publishing journey, I’ve learned a lot, and every bit of it has been fun. Whether I choose to self-publish my next book, or pursue trade publication again, I’ll be much better equipped next time around.

But I’ve still got some work to do.

I mean, I’ve got this blog, and it’s doing alright. You’re reading it, aren’t you? But the reality is, all authors, whether self-published or traditionally published, have to get into the marketing and self-promotion game. And a huge part of that is SEO.

For you non-writerly readers, that stands for Search Engine Optimization.

Basically, writing in a way that search engines know what your stuff is about, and your content is full of keywords or phrases that people might actually, you know, search for.


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Revenge is better with a side of bacon. . . 

I’d like to give my actual blog content a passing grade. My SEO though?

Well, in the following ramble I’ve included every search query that has triggered my site—in bold—in order of most impressions to least. I think maybe my SEO grade leaves something to be desired.

But hey. . . This is going to be FUN!

Just What You’ve Been Searching For

Okay, not a campari beetle (they don’t exist, exactly), but grasshoppers are dangerous too, right?

A lot of people ask me just how to become a farm hand, and I tell them it’s fairly easy. Just rush home after your husband is in a totally not-serious car accident, run into a farmer on the way, and delve into a discussion about how you’re obsessed with finding beauty in the mundane.

Once you actually get to the farm and start digging around in the dirt, make sure to watch out for the prolific campari beetles. They’re super-dangerous, obviously, and not only do they bite, they’re likely to garnish your delectable skin with a twist of orange rind.

Of course, they’re not nearly as dangerous as uncovering the super-secret wicked whoopie pie recipe! I’ve heard it’s protected by Maine’s top Mafia bosses, and unauthorized possession of it’s sweet, sweet goodness is a sure ticket to spending eternity in a box.

Maybe you think that’s preferable to living this rat-race we call life. I mean, seriously, how many trips can you suffer around the sun, constantly dealing with horrible bosses and those stale peeps you call your friends? Is any of it worth it if you can’t make Oprah-sanctioned cake sandwiches from the comfort of your own kitchen?

I mean, I wrote this book about learning to love yourself, kinda. But really I should’ve written about ten ways to love cake sandwiches while sipping mead, aka the drink of the gods. I made some of that too, once. Honestly, it wasn’t all that godly, just kind of yeasty and sweet.

But I digress. Back at the farm, see if you can collect some of the beetles. Then whip out that clandestine recipe and use them as a special ingredient. Apparently everyone who searches things on Google loves beetles in red velvet cake.

You can serve it with tea at four in the afternoon while reading the short story I wrote as a giveaway to new email subscribers. It’s called ‘The Liberation of Meredith Gardner,’ who is the fan-favorite character from my novel, but also actually a real person (deceased) that people on Google search for. . .

By the way, did you subscribe yet to If not, you really, really should. How else are you going to finally find out, definitively, who invented the whoopie pie? Okay, honestly, I won’t give you a definitive answer either, just that both Maine and Pennsylvania claim to be its birthplace.

Also, why do so many of these queries have to do with f*&%ing cake?! I only wrote about that ONE TIME!

Personally, I thought it was way more interesting that time I wrote about inca snails. Well, Google says sorry Gregory, cake is in, snails are out.

Personally, I disagree.

Personally, I think you’re far more likely to encounter an instance of snails in the afterlife than cake. I know that doesn’t make sense, but if it’s a well of eternity instance, it might just. Snails in a well? Yep. Cake in a well? Um. . .

My first attempt at home-grown godly booze.

Truthfully, I’m not sure what the well of eternity even is, or why people search for it, but if it’s one of those Tuck Everlasting fountains of youth, I might like to find one. Because, well, I’m not invincible. Could the well of eternity actually be the real drink of gods? Is mead the answer to living forever?

Not likely. It sounds like an instance of fantasy versus reality, to which query I must thank AS Akkalon, who writes one of my very favorite blogs, which you should obviously check out.

But seriously, back to the farm. It seems in this post I got summer on my mind, nowhere else though. Okay, that and red velvet cake coloring beetles.

F*&%ing cake again! I thought this was going to be a post about farming!

Oh farming. . . It’s only been a month and I’m already nostalgic. My friend nostalgia has been creeping around lately, singing a little off key. Still, I think she has real talent. She should start a sweet siren band to serenade me as I collect yet more red velvet food coloring beetles.

Fine. I give up. F*&%ing cake wins the day. Thanks google. I guess I’ll just say to hell with the golden Inca snails.

I really wanted this post to be about farming. . .

By the way, I think I’ve made it all the way through this post without many instances of my favorite—the invincible m dash. Em dashes really make writing sparkle. Oops, never mind—there I just used two. Anyways, they’re technically spelled “em-dashes.” I could probably use semi-colons there instead.

Ah well, that’s the least thing I have to worry about, because it turns out I have a lot to learn about effective SEO.

Regardless, I hope this was somewhat entertaining, and that you found whatever it is you’ve been searching for. Seriously though, it’s all here.

Serve that up with some cream-cheese frosting, Google!

Share your thoughts! Are you a master of SEO? Did you stumble upon this post via Google search? If so, what on earth did you search for?! Should I spend more time writing about cake, and less about other stuff? Let me know in the comments below.

Thanks as always for reading,


Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Aimer Boyz - December 1, 2017

LOL!! You did a great job working all the SEO queries in to your post. Can’t even imagine how long that took you to sort out 🙂
Apparently, Google thinks you should be writing a baking blog 🙂

    Gregory Josephs - December 1, 2017

    Right, if only I could make a solid connection between cakes and LGBT coming of age fiction, I’d be golden!

    Thanks, though. This one was fun, and the words were lubricated late last night with the help of some bourbon and ginger beer. It really didn’t take long, but was initially plagued with an army of red squiggles resulting from tipsy fingers. . . 😉

A.S. Akkalon - December 4, 2017

Hilarious! I never would have thought people spent so much time Googling about cake.

But my real question is what is Google’s Search Console and how do I enrol my site in it? I’d love to write a post like this, but right now I have no data with which to do it. 🙁

And thank you so much for the kind shout out of my blog. 🙂

    Gregory Josephs - December 4, 2017

    I would be over the moon to read your version of this post! I should probably write another one in the future as I’ve only been enrolled for three weeks or so. . .

    Honestly, I can’t remember how I found out about Search Console, but the setup was fairly easy. Just visit:

    You’ll have to log in and then prove that you own your website, but after that they’ll show you everything that triggers your site to load in search results, and what ranking you get for each query. . .

    I still haven’t figured it out completely, but yeah! Do it! 😊

      A.S. Akkalon - December 5, 2017

      Okay, I’m going to see if I can make it work. 🙂

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